Thursday, July 29
Battle of wills
Yesterday evening Ethan endured two time outs and a five-minute standoff in the kitchen because he refused to throw away the wet diaper he took off and dropped in front of the trash can.
His new favorite phrase—one he loves even more than the bewildering and oft-used "My Sunday"— is "You do it."
I will not acquiesce. Because I have a feeling this kind of thing is the seminal incident that leads mothers to wash, fold and put away their sons' laundry far longer into their lives than in necessary, or appropriate.
Meanwhile, most of my conversations these days go like this:
"You do it."
"No, you do it."
"Nuffin, Mommy!" (shoulder shrug)
"Ethan. You do it."
"My Sunday."
"Okay then, time out."
Repeat.
Labels:
adventures in domesticity,
Ethan,
parenting
Monday, July 26
A funny thing happened on the way to this post
My brother came over to baby-nap-sit this afternoon while Ethan was taking his siesta, so that I could venture unfettered into the fray I like to call home decor shopping.
I drove to Hanes Mall Boulevard—our area's most bustling retail zone—where I was certain I could find a stand for our new patio market umbrella. I'd been harping on about one for so long that when Mom came across a lovely smoke blue one on sale for $40 (at Food Lion, no less!), she bought if for me as an early birthday prez. Food Lion didn't carry any stands, but let's not get picky, it was already going above and beyond the call of a grocery by stocking a good-quality patio shader.
My official second stop was Lowe's; the first stop, the Lowe's by our house, was completely out of stock. Unfortunately, this one was too. My third stop was the Home Depot across the street. No dice.
My fourth stop was Target.
My fifth stop was Costco.
My sixth stop, Kohl's.
Pier 1 for lucky number seven. No luck.
Home Goods rang in at stop eight.
Walmart was the ninth stop, and they did have one umbrella stand in stock, but it was hideous, and although I'm by no means the next Design Star, my ethic of style is something above Grotesque. Moving on.
World Market was stop ten. I nearly wept when I saw a stack of market umbrella stands that matched perfectly my black wrought-iron patio furniture and my unfussy style. I wept in earnest when I saw it cost $10 more than the umbrella itself.
No matter; I had something up my sleeve for stop eleven: Casual Furniture World. This is a store dedicated year-round to the patios and pools of the apparently uber-rich, because who else buys lounging furniture off-season. I walked in only to discover that their particular model of umbrella stand is specific to their umbrellas. In other words, there was no guarantee that this, the priciest of my very few options, would work for my Food Lion umbrella.
I called and consulted with Noah. He gave me the go ahead for World Market.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to put to use my new goodies, so I had Kyle help me assemble and place the stand under the table. Only to discover that the stand is an inch too tall to fit.
After Noah came home, we went over to my parents' house for a dinner of pizza with them and my visiting grandparents and uncle, who are in town from Albuquerque. I discreetly asked Mom if she'd mind keeping an eye on Ethan for an hour while Noah and I ran out to return the star-crossed market umbrella stand and go buy the homely one at Walmart. Because it turns out I can live with the ugly if it means I can live with my market umbrella as well. I brought a mini-size Ben & Jerry's for courage.
As we pulled out of their neighborhood, I noticed the hot pink flash of a blonde girl's boots as she whizzed past on a moped. I looked down to scoop a spoonful of ice cream.
When I looked back up, I saw her tumble into the lane of oncoming traffic.
She hit the ground and flipped onto her right side, skidding across the two-lane road as a green sedan slammed on its brakes and swerved. She was so close to the car, it looked as though her moped would go under it. It didn't. Her head bounced on the asphalt, knocking her helmet off.
I was the first one to her. While Noah threw the truck into park, I was already out the passenger-side door and running up to her. She tried to get up, but flopped back down like a rag doll. I told her not to move, that my husband was a police officer and he was already calling an ambulance. She was shaking and breathing irregularly. I grabbed her left hand and squeezed while other witnesses and bystanders began crowding around. One of them, a dark-haired man in black pants and a rust-colored shirt, turned out to be a doctor.
While he talked calmly to her, taking her vitals and keeping her still, I kept squeezing her limp hand, helping her breathe through the panic and shock that were causing her to simultaneously gasp, shake, and go numb. Her right arm was extended straight out. Her hand and the soft underside of her arm were blistered and badly scraped.
"I don't want to go to the hospital," she said.
"It's okay, sweetie," I told her. "The paramedics will check you out and we're going to take care of you."
"I can't go to the hospital," she cried. "I don't have insurance."
"Don't you worry about a thing."
She asked for me to call her friends that she had been following. She was sixteen. I enlisted the help of a man with another phone who called them. When they arrived, bewildered and scared, I had one of them phone the girl's mother, who was out of town. The friend handed me her phone, and it became my responsibility to tell a stranger that I was standing by her badly hurt young daughter on the side of the road.
"Is this C–'s mom?" I asked.
"Yes it is," said a woman on the other end, who also sounded bewildered.
"My name is Erin. First of all, your daughter is fine, but she's been in an accident and the paramedics are with her."
"Don't send her to the emergency room unless she has to go. We don't have insurance."
Beneath the numbness of adrenaline, I felt a bubble of anger and disbelief rise. "I'll let you talk to the paramedics."
I kept the girl's friends informed as the EMTs and the State Trooper did their jobs, taking our statements and asking details. The girl had slid across traffic into the 20-foot space between a mailbox and a telephone poll.
"Can you take off my shoes?" she stammered. One of the EMTs fiddled with the black laces, then asked one of the girls if she could get her friend's boots off.
As they braced her neck and rolled her gently onto a stretcher, I tried to soothe her. I don't know what I said.
One of her friends told me that her mother was sending a neighbor to the scene.
"Do you have a way of getting the moped back to her house?" I asked the girls. They didn't. I told them we could load it into our truck bed and drive it back.
The neighbor and the friends gathered around the ambulance while some of the firefighters helped Noah lift the moped into the truck. The state trooper came over to get some more information from the vehicle. It was some random Asian brand, and it turned out to be a motorcycle. Although it was shaped like a scooter, the engine was three times more powerful than is legally allowed for a moped. The speedometer topped out at 75; the legal top speed for a moped is 35. Although she wasn't going over the posted speed limit, she was driving a machine with a lot more power and capability than she was aware of, or could handle.
And then something truly stunning happened. The paramedics helped the girl step out of the ambulance. She wouldn't be going to the emergency room.
They had cut off her shorts to dress a bad wound on her hip; a friend provided a pair of soft athletic shorts for her to go home in. Her right arm and hand were bandaged. With a friend under one arm and her neighbor under the other, she hobbled barefoot across the grassy ditch she had just been pulled from minutes earlier and got into her neighbor's car.
Noah and I followed the neighbor's BMW into a nearby development. We pulled into the driveway of an expansive brick house. The neighbor's husband and a couple of the girl's guy friends who had just arrived at her house helped Noah unload the motorcycle while I stood with her and the gaggle of girls. Two of them lit up cigarettes.
I wanted to hug her, walk her into her house. Turn on lights. Get her comfortable. Bring her medicine. Take care of her. I'm only ten years her senior, but my instinct to mother became overwhelming. Yet it wasn't my place.
"You're one lucky girl," I told her. She thanked me for staying with her, even as a small crowd of teenagers lingered in the periphery. Her hair was falling out of the ponytail she had carefully arranged earlier that evening. Dirt smeared across her forehead, a tuft of grass dangled from a frizz of hair at the side of her face.
I walked down the driveway back to our truck. She began to cry again. "It hurts so bad," she said to one of her friends. The paramedics couldn't give her pain medication because there was no parent or guardian there to authorize it.
She turned toward the open door of her large, empty house. I walked back to the truck. My hands began to shake. They smelled of her perfume. As we pulled away, I glanced back, worried. All I could see was a wisp of blonde hair, a flash of hot pink boots.
I drove to Hanes Mall Boulevard—our area's most bustling retail zone—where I was certain I could find a stand for our new patio market umbrella. I'd been harping on about one for so long that when Mom came across a lovely smoke blue one on sale for $40 (at Food Lion, no less!), she bought if for me as an early birthday prez. Food Lion didn't carry any stands, but let's not get picky, it was already going above and beyond the call of a grocery by stocking a good-quality patio shader.
My official second stop was Lowe's; the first stop, the Lowe's by our house, was completely out of stock. Unfortunately, this one was too. My third stop was the Home Depot across the street. No dice.
My fourth stop was Target.
My fifth stop was Costco.
My sixth stop, Kohl's.
Pier 1 for lucky number seven. No luck.
Home Goods rang in at stop eight.
Walmart was the ninth stop, and they did have one umbrella stand in stock, but it was hideous, and although I'm by no means the next Design Star, my ethic of style is something above Grotesque. Moving on.
World Market was stop ten. I nearly wept when I saw a stack of market umbrella stands that matched perfectly my black wrought-iron patio furniture and my unfussy style. I wept in earnest when I saw it cost $10 more than the umbrella itself.
No matter; I had something up my sleeve for stop eleven: Casual Furniture World. This is a store dedicated year-round to the patios and pools of the apparently uber-rich, because who else buys lounging furniture off-season. I walked in only to discover that their particular model of umbrella stand is specific to their umbrellas. In other words, there was no guarantee that this, the priciest of my very few options, would work for my Food Lion umbrella.
I called and consulted with Noah. He gave me the go ahead for World Market.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to put to use my new goodies, so I had Kyle help me assemble and place the stand under the table. Only to discover that the stand is an inch too tall to fit.
* * *
After Noah came home, we went over to my parents' house for a dinner of pizza with them and my visiting grandparents and uncle, who are in town from Albuquerque. I discreetly asked Mom if she'd mind keeping an eye on Ethan for an hour while Noah and I ran out to return the star-crossed market umbrella stand and go buy the homely one at Walmart. Because it turns out I can live with the ugly if it means I can live with my market umbrella as well. I brought a mini-size Ben & Jerry's for courage.
As we pulled out of their neighborhood, I noticed the hot pink flash of a blonde girl's boots as she whizzed past on a moped. I looked down to scoop a spoonful of ice cream.
When I looked back up, I saw her tumble into the lane of oncoming traffic.
She hit the ground and flipped onto her right side, skidding across the two-lane road as a green sedan slammed on its brakes and swerved. She was so close to the car, it looked as though her moped would go under it. It didn't. Her head bounced on the asphalt, knocking her helmet off.
I was the first one to her. While Noah threw the truck into park, I was already out the passenger-side door and running up to her. She tried to get up, but flopped back down like a rag doll. I told her not to move, that my husband was a police officer and he was already calling an ambulance. She was shaking and breathing irregularly. I grabbed her left hand and squeezed while other witnesses and bystanders began crowding around. One of them, a dark-haired man in black pants and a rust-colored shirt, turned out to be a doctor.
While he talked calmly to her, taking her vitals and keeping her still, I kept squeezing her limp hand, helping her breathe through the panic and shock that were causing her to simultaneously gasp, shake, and go numb. Her right arm was extended straight out. Her hand and the soft underside of her arm were blistered and badly scraped.
"I don't want to go to the hospital," she said.
"It's okay, sweetie," I told her. "The paramedics will check you out and we're going to take care of you."
"I can't go to the hospital," she cried. "I don't have insurance."
"Don't you worry about a thing."
She asked for me to call her friends that she had been following. She was sixteen. I enlisted the help of a man with another phone who called them. When they arrived, bewildered and scared, I had one of them phone the girl's mother, who was out of town. The friend handed me her phone, and it became my responsibility to tell a stranger that I was standing by her badly hurt young daughter on the side of the road.
"Is this C–'s mom?" I asked.
"Yes it is," said a woman on the other end, who also sounded bewildered.
"My name is Erin. First of all, your daughter is fine, but she's been in an accident and the paramedics are with her."
"Don't send her to the emergency room unless she has to go. We don't have insurance."
Beneath the numbness of adrenaline, I felt a bubble of anger and disbelief rise. "I'll let you talk to the paramedics."
I kept the girl's friends informed as the EMTs and the State Trooper did their jobs, taking our statements and asking details. The girl had slid across traffic into the 20-foot space between a mailbox and a telephone poll.
"Can you take off my shoes?" she stammered. One of the EMTs fiddled with the black laces, then asked one of the girls if she could get her friend's boots off.
As they braced her neck and rolled her gently onto a stretcher, I tried to soothe her. I don't know what I said.
One of her friends told me that her mother was sending a neighbor to the scene.
"Do you have a way of getting the moped back to her house?" I asked the girls. They didn't. I told them we could load it into our truck bed and drive it back.
The neighbor and the friends gathered around the ambulance while some of the firefighters helped Noah lift the moped into the truck. The state trooper came over to get some more information from the vehicle. It was some random Asian brand, and it turned out to be a motorcycle. Although it was shaped like a scooter, the engine was three times more powerful than is legally allowed for a moped. The speedometer topped out at 75; the legal top speed for a moped is 35. Although she wasn't going over the posted speed limit, she was driving a machine with a lot more power and capability than she was aware of, or could handle.
And then something truly stunning happened. The paramedics helped the girl step out of the ambulance. She wouldn't be going to the emergency room.
They had cut off her shorts to dress a bad wound on her hip; a friend provided a pair of soft athletic shorts for her to go home in. Her right arm and hand were bandaged. With a friend under one arm and her neighbor under the other, she hobbled barefoot across the grassy ditch she had just been pulled from minutes earlier and got into her neighbor's car.
Noah and I followed the neighbor's BMW into a nearby development. We pulled into the driveway of an expansive brick house. The neighbor's husband and a couple of the girl's guy friends who had just arrived at her house helped Noah unload the motorcycle while I stood with her and the gaggle of girls. Two of them lit up cigarettes.
I wanted to hug her, walk her into her house. Turn on lights. Get her comfortable. Bring her medicine. Take care of her. I'm only ten years her senior, but my instinct to mother became overwhelming. Yet it wasn't my place.
"You're one lucky girl," I told her. She thanked me for staying with her, even as a small crowd of teenagers lingered in the periphery. Her hair was falling out of the ponytail she had carefully arranged earlier that evening. Dirt smeared across her forehead, a tuft of grass dangled from a frizz of hair at the side of her face.
I walked down the driveway back to our truck. She began to cry again. "It hurts so bad," she said to one of her friends. The paramedics couldn't give her pain medication because there was no parent or guardian there to authorize it.
She turned toward the open door of her large, empty house. I walked back to the truck. My hands began to shake. They smelled of her perfume. As we pulled away, I glanced back, worried. All I could see was a wisp of blonde hair, a flash of hot pink boots.
Thursday, July 22
This one's for you, Lisa

If I had a working camera, I'd have a lot more photos to share. For now, I'll have to beg use of my dad's.
Hint hint.
Tuesday, July 20
Adventures in Our Nation's Capital, Part the Third
Friday morning we were up bright and early.
Actually, let me back up a bit. I realize that I'm doing what I always do when I have A Big Story, and that's to drag it out for as long as possible to the point that nobody remembers when or why we started. So let me provide you with a refresher timeline.
We began the day with a trip to Arlington National Cemetery, and I must admit that despite my best efforts, that horrible Trace Adkins song kept playing in my head ("I made it to Arliiiiiingtooooooooon"). (In my mind, "Arlington" is right up there with that song where the little Oliver Twistish boy goes to the thrift store to buy shoes for his mom to wear to meet Jesus. Because she's dying. On Christmas Eve.)
In addition to paying our respects to the Kennedys, we were able to watch a changing of the guard ceremony at the Tomb of the Unknowns. Now, I'd been to Arlington three years ago, but this time the visit seemed more...solemn. Not that I did cartwheels between headstones the first time, but Noah hadn't even begun Academy yet. Now, he's been a patrolman for almost three years and we're moments away from becoming a military reserve family (more on that soon). With just a little bit of research into our contemporary armed forces, being among thousands who gave their lives—either through the immediate sacrifice of war or the long-term sacrifice of service—was humbling.
After the changing of the guard, we headed to the National Mall. We braved the throngs at the Lincoln Memorial and took photos of Kyle and Noah being nerds on the steps.
We observed the Washington Monument at the other end of the Reflecting Pool; I had to convince Ethan that unfortunately he could not go swimming in this particular "pool wallo." Although truth be told, I wouldn't have minded a quick dip to stave off impending heat stroke. In the end it took a bribe of ice cream to get him to drop the issue.
Dad was able to visit the Korean War Memorial which, aside from being haunting with its numerous statues of soldiers walking through juniper bushes, was poignant since my Papa is a Korean War Veteran.
I've put together a quick slideshow of some Arlington and National Mall photos (all taken by my Dad), that I hope captures the poignancy of that morning. Of note: The two photos of the Sergeant saluting (at the beginning and end of the Tomb of the Unknowns photos) are not repeats; his movements were so precise that the difference between the two salutes is almost indistinguishable.
Our last stop was the American History Museum, possibly my favorite destination in D.C. The only thing better than being inches from Michelle Obama's inaugural gown was being inches from the enormous remnant of the flag that inspired the national anthem. Call me a geek, but my souvenir was parchment replicas of the Bill of Rights, the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, and the Emancipation Proclamation.
Ethan's souvenir was a stuffed beagle named Nosey.
The Honest Abe stovepipe hat was merely a photo prop.
In our original plans, Nanny would be joining us on the second day in Our Nation's Capital, but with the ungodly heat and her propensity for wearing a cardi in all climates, it would have been disastrous if not dangerous to bring her along. I was sad that she wouldn't get to see the monuments, but we decided to take her to Baltimore's Inner Harbor for the evening.
We dined at the very same pub in which I wept through lunch the last time I was in Baltimore. I had forgotten, or perhaps didn't realize, how incredibly delicious the food was. We all heartily enjoyed our meals from a balcony overlooking the water, then wandered around for awhile. Ethan and Noah rode a dodgy-looking carousel while Nanny insisted Kyle was steering her wheelchair dangerously close to the water (he wasn't). Then we bought an embarrassing amount of dessert from the Cheesecake Factory to enjoy back at the hotel.
I couldn't forget Ethan's entreaties for "pool wallo," so we finished off the day in the Sleep Inn–Laurel's disconcertingly foggy pool, where I remembered, while watching Ethan joyfully splash around, why Kyle and I considered our childhood family vacations to the Palm Springs Ramada Inn to be heaven on Earth. While Ethan and Poppy paddled around, I led Noah and Kyle in a synchronized routine of running in place, Shamu splashes, and Mom Swimming (you know that stroke: it's when your mom would frog around with her head above water so as not to wet her hair). I even gave Noah and Kyle a few swimming tips I learned while training for my sprint tri, the main one being A Proper Flutter Kick Doesn't Include Splashing Your Feet Like An Idiot.
It was a day to remember.
In addition to paying our respects to the Kennedys, we were able to watch a changing of the guard ceremony at the Tomb of the Unknowns. Now, I'd been to Arlington three years ago, but this time the visit seemed more...solemn. Not that I did cartwheels between headstones the first time, but Noah hadn't even begun Academy yet. Now, he's been a patrolman for almost three years and we're moments away from becoming a military reserve family (more on that soon). With just a little bit of research into our contemporary armed forces, being among thousands who gave their lives—either through the immediate sacrifice of war or the long-term sacrifice of service—was humbling.
After the changing of the guard, we headed to the National Mall. We braved the throngs at the Lincoln Memorial and took photos of Kyle and Noah being nerds on the steps.
Kyle being a nerd. Also, Mom being a nerd by totally misaligning the shot.
Noah being a nerd.
We observed the Washington Monument at the other end of the Reflecting Pool; I had to convince Ethan that unfortunately he could not go swimming in this particular "pool wallo." Although truth be told, I wouldn't have minded a quick dip to stave off impending heat stroke. In the end it took a bribe of ice cream to get him to drop the issue.
Dad was able to visit the Korean War Memorial which, aside from being haunting with its numerous statues of soldiers walking through juniper bushes, was poignant since my Papa is a Korean War Veteran.
I've put together a quick slideshow of some Arlington and National Mall photos (all taken by my Dad), that I hope captures the poignancy of that morning. Of note: The two photos of the Sergeant saluting (at the beginning and end of the Tomb of the Unknowns photos) are not repeats; his movements were so precise that the difference between the two salutes is almost indistinguishable.
(Music from Band of Brothers)
Our last stop was the American History Museum, possibly my favorite destination in D.C. The only thing better than being inches from Michelle Obama's inaugural gown was being inches from the enormous remnant of the flag that inspired the national anthem. Call me a geek, but my souvenir was parchment replicas of the Bill of Rights, the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, and the Emancipation Proclamation.
Ethan's souvenir was a stuffed beagle named Nosey.
The Honest Abe stovepipe hat was merely a photo prop.
In our original plans, Nanny would be joining us on the second day in Our Nation's Capital, but with the ungodly heat and her propensity for wearing a cardi in all climates, it would have been disastrous if not dangerous to bring her along. I was sad that she wouldn't get to see the monuments, but we decided to take her to Baltimore's Inner Harbor for the evening.
We dined at the very same pub in which I wept through lunch the last time I was in Baltimore. I had forgotten, or perhaps didn't realize, how incredibly delicious the food was. We all heartily enjoyed our meals from a balcony overlooking the water, then wandered around for awhile. Ethan and Noah rode a dodgy-looking carousel while Nanny insisted Kyle was steering her wheelchair dangerously close to the water (he wasn't). Then we bought an embarrassing amount of dessert from the Cheesecake Factory to enjoy back at the hotel.
I couldn't forget Ethan's entreaties for "pool wallo," so we finished off the day in the Sleep Inn–Laurel's disconcertingly foggy pool, where I remembered, while watching Ethan joyfully splash around, why Kyle and I considered our childhood family vacations to the Palm Springs Ramada Inn to be heaven on Earth. While Ethan and Poppy paddled around, I led Noah and Kyle in a synchronized routine of running in place, Shamu splashes, and Mom Swimming (you know that stroke: it's when your mom would frog around with her head above water so as not to wet her hair). I even gave Noah and Kyle a few swimming tips I learned while training for my sprint tri, the main one being A Proper Flutter Kick Doesn't Include Splashing Your Feet Like An Idiot.
It was a day to remember.
Monday, July 19
A brief interlude from the Washington Saga
Every July the Etheridge Family makes a two-day pilgrimage northward to a cabin on the New River so rustic it only has basic cable. While Noah's dad and younger brother, Adam, work 35 hours in two days with his Aunt Linda and her friends—The Natural Born Grillers—at the Virginia State Barbecue Championship, the rest of us go biking on the New River trail then show up at the end of the day for a king's feast of free ribs and chopped barbecue. It's a trip I dream about all year long.
This past weekend, the Townsley Clan joined us at the barbecue festival, packing seven adults and a toddler into a one-room cabin with a loft. There were a lot of odors going on, to say the least.
For added fun, Ethan learned how to climb out of his pack-n-play crib. I didn't mind that he stationed himself on our pull-out bed with his stuffed entourage while we watched a movie downstairs. I put my foot down, however, when I realized that he wasn't actually sleeping on our bed; he was peeking through the rails of the loft watching The Road along with us.
I appreciate his advanced taste in film, but a post-apocalyptic tale of survival in a cannibalistic society isn't exactly 2-year-old material. I still remember quite vividly the score to The Killing Fields, which I watched as a toddler while pretending to be asleep on the couch.
One of this story's many morals is, I didn't get much sleep this weekend. Until tomorrow, I leave you with the reason why:
This past weekend, the Townsley Clan joined us at the barbecue festival, packing seven adults and a toddler into a one-room cabin with a loft. There were a lot of odors going on, to say the least.
For added fun, Ethan learned how to climb out of his pack-n-play crib. I didn't mind that he stationed himself on our pull-out bed with his stuffed entourage while we watched a movie downstairs. I put my foot down, however, when I realized that he wasn't actually sleeping on our bed; he was peeking through the rails of the loft watching The Road along with us.
I appreciate his advanced taste in film, but a post-apocalyptic tale of survival in a cannibalistic society isn't exactly 2-year-old material. I still remember quite vividly the score to The Killing Fields, which I watched as a toddler while pretending to be asleep on the couch.
One of this story's many morals is, I didn't get much sleep this weekend. Until tomorrow, I leave you with the reason why:
(Video recorded two weeks ago, on Uncle Ky-Ky's Macbook)
Thursday, July 15
Adventures in Our Nation's Capital, Part the Second
The train to the Nationals game was packed with bureaucrats clad in silk suits headed home for the day. We were crammed in as tight as we could get, which made the saunalike conditions even more oppressive. Let me tell you, that is not the place for a toddler with a summer cold who really needs JUICE JUUUUIIIICE JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUIIIIIIIICE only to discover that his sippy cups must have fallen out of his Lightning McQueen backpack on the charming effing trolley.
While I tried to comfort a despondent Ethan, and a couple of nice ladies sitting nearby handed me a tissue and tried to make him laugh, my mom was gearing up for a prizefight on the other side of the train car.
"Will somebody shut that *#^@($ kid up?" a young woman said to her friend.
"Give it a pacifier or something," the friend replied.
It's impossible to describe what goes through a Nana's mind when somebody disses her grandbaby. So instead, I've made a quick video to convey what my mom was experiencing when the woman on the Metro cursed her grandson. Ladies and germs, I now present "Hell Hath No Fury Like A Nana Scorned," An Erin Etheridge Joint:
The women's conversation about That Kid continued with increasing levels of profanity, while visions of comeuppance danced in Mom's head. If there's one thing that really sticks in Mom's craw, it's bad language in public—especially in front of children. In Los Angeles she once followed the car of a man who dropped an f-bomb on her, walked up to and knocked on his window, then told him to go wash his mouth out with soap.
"Do you really think that child's parents are enjoying this?" she turned and asked the two women. Mom, unversed in D.C. lingo, didn't realize she had just demanded Pistols at Dawn.
"What the *(#@@& you *@&^* don't you ^#!*!*# and !^@&^((@#*," the first woman said.
"THAT'S MY GRANDSON YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT," Mom informed her.
"I DON'T CARE WHO @$(((!))%$% YOU @(&(*$*( WHY DON'T YOU *&(@!^^$* AND **(&#," the women replied in concert. I would tell you what they actually said, but this is a family blog. Also, Mom didn't recognize some of the words they used.
Mom decided to be the bigger woman and conclude the discussion.
"God help any child you ever have," she pronounced with Christian conviction.
Unfortunately, one of the young women happened to be pregnant. And wasn't, apparently, a Christian.
After a few more exchanges, including some helpful behavioral instruction from Mom and a lot of Bad Words Mom Had Never Heard Before from her rivals, Mom decided she'd better stop before the encounter got physical. And believe me, it could have. (I once witnessed Mom go stomping toward our parked car containing Clyde the Beagle when a crowd of teenagers standing in the vicinity of the car started laughing. "Are they messing with our dog?!" was her battle cry. It turns out they weren't, but Mom was prepared to go the distance. I also once witnessed her nearly pull a bank teller over the counter, but that's another story.)
Now, it might have been fun to cap off the day with a free tour of D.C. Metro Prison, but we'd already purchased our Nationals tickets, so Mom closed the book with a scoff, which the first woman mockingly mimicked.
Shortly thereafter the two women stood to exit at the stop before ours, and had to squeeze past Mom to get out.
"Excuse me," the instigator said to Mom sarcastically.
"Oh, you're excused," Mom replied with a smirk.
When we arrived at our stop, we headed directly for the Nationals gift shop just inside the gate. Blessedly, they had a set of two miniature sippy cups for the bargain price of $19.99. Nana immediately bought them for her grandson, and that's all I have to say about that.
* * *
By the end of our first day in Our Nation's Capital, I'd drafted a list of grievances to take to President Obama, at the top of which was the price of a soft pretzel and a beer at the Nationals game ($13.50).
So. I didn't have a soft pretzel and a beer at the Nationals game.
Another grievance: Stephen Strasburg did not pitch although he was scheduled to, and Kyle specifically chose the Thursday night game just to see Strasburg. His start had been pushed to Friday night's game. After the Subway Incident and the Capitol Hill Assault, this was a crushing blow. So we threw in the towel and bought five bowls of Edy's ice cream.
We headed back to the hotel during the 7th, shortly after the San Diego Padres' pitcher hit a home run off the Nationals' Strasburg-replacement hurler. In case you don't know anything about baseball, a pitcher getting a home run is like Pamela Anderson getting a book deal—offensive to opponents, yet strangely commendable.
On our way out we stopped to take pictures on a little outfield overlook. Ethan, taken by the rhythm of between-innings music, started to dance in my arms, so I followed suit. And then a park worker told us there was no dancing on the platform.
Off screen, stage right: Disgruntled Nationals Park worker whose job is
to defend national security by not allowing fans to dance on the photo platform.
On the train back to the hotel, we vowed that our second day in Our Nation's Capitol would go better than the first. At the very least, we implored Mom to refrain from any more fights.
Labels:
D.C.,
Ethan,
family,
parenting,
telling tales
Monday, July 12
Adventures in Our Nation's Capital, Part the First
Our six-plus-hour drive to D.C. (actually, to Laurel, Maryland, the only town within 50 miles of Our Nation's Capital with a decent hotel that didn't charge our monthly grocery bill per night) went remarkably smoothly, aside from my parents' annoying and unaccountable obsession with the data display on the dash of their new Sentra. After I nearly missed an important merge and pulled up alongside their car to await further instruction, Mom rolled down her window and solemnly informed me that it was 102 degrees outside.
Ethan hadn't been on a car trip of more than two hours in his entire 30 months on the Earth, but he did wonderfully—especially considering the day before he had contracted a summer cold. Upon arrival at the hotel, I built an altar and thanked God for inventing portable DVD players. We were all hungry, so for a taste of local flavor we headed to a great little Italian place, Olive Garden. We needed to carb-load for the next day, the First Day in Our Nation's Capital.
Since my mom and Kyle had never been to D.C., and my dad hadn't been since the Carter administration, informally known as the Years in Which He Had Hair, we opted to get a two-day trolley pass that would take us around the major attractions. Our hotel was only a couple blocks from a MARC-Metro stop, so we took the train into D.C.
My goal on any trip is to not act too much like a tourist. I should have gone over this rule of thumb with Mom beforehand, because she stepped on the train and promptly sat in the conductor's seat behind a little Plexiglas divider. Quite unfortunately, Mom's trouble on the subway had just begun. (<--foreshadowing)
Upon arrival at Union Station...
...we hopped on the charming open-air trolley only to discover that it was approximately 123 degrees Fahrenheit in Our Nation's Capital. No matter! The first stop was Capitol Hill, just a few minutes away.
Someone told us there was a cafeteria inside the Capitol Building, so we hopped off at the West Entrance, where all inaugurations have been held since Reagan, and hiked the roughly four miles to the East Entrance, where visitors are permitted.
Let me rephrase that. We hopped off at the West Entrance and hiked the roughly four miles to the East Entrance, where visitors are diddled.
Noah had cleverly brought along a bag of beef jerky for snacking, which the guards made him throw away.
"Or you can eat it now," they generously allowed.
Seeing as he couldn't quickly eat a pound of salted beef without water in desert conditions, he begrudingly took the bag of jerky to the conveniently located trashcan.
"That stuff is expensive," one of the guards added helpfully.
In addition, Dad had to throw away the bag of M&Ms he had packed in Ethan's Emergency Kit. And their brand-new spray bottle of suntan lotion. Around this time is when I began taking notes in my Moleskine, which I'd brought along for keeping track of new insights. Also, blog material.
The building was certainly spectacular, but the free guided tour only took us to two rooms, where it became evident that the long-haired tour guide (who talked in a deadpan that I couldn't decide betrayed boredom or prolific past drug use) was spit-balling when he debunked the myth about the rotunda's parabolic ceiling four different ways (spoiler alert!).
Lunch at the Capitol cafeteria was worth its weight in gold—and I don't mean that figuratively. A salad, a sandwich and two sodas cost us upwards of 20 bucks. Even though I wasn't hungry anymore, I forced down a slice of boiled egg and a broccoli floret because, being among the heavier items in the pay-by-weight salad, I knew they had cost me big.
We slogged back to the West Entrance (during which I sweated off my entire lunchtime caloric intake) and hopped on the trolley. Still sore from being told to bend over at Capitol Hill, our next stop—the National Air and Space Museum—was a welcome diversion.
I was truly delighted by Ethan's reaction to the museum. He loves airplanes and frequently points them out in the sky above our house, and seeing some up close was a real treat for him. Even more delightful was his joy at seeing all the "rocket ships" in the museum's space exploration wing. I got to show him the inside of John Glenn's historic Mercury capsule, as well as the command module of the moon-landing Apollo 11. He even got to touch a sliver of moon rock. I know he probably won't remember any of this, but it's something I'll never forget.
The moment was so transcendent for me, it wasn't even tainted when Mom mistook the life-size space station replica for the escalator and announced that the lunar module used in the Apollo missions looked "like a piece of crap."
Which, objectively, is sort of true, but it offended my Inner Space Nerd nonetheless. (Check out the "Spider" episode in HBO's From the Earth to the Moon miniseries for an awesome perspective on the development of the LEM.)
I had a Special Moment with Mom, too, though. I got to show her the WWII Royal Air Force uniforms; her father was an air gunner in the RAF and would have worn just such gear. She had her picture taken about 14 different times (to get the best angle) next to the display.
Our last stop of the day was the Jefferson Memorial, which I was unusually pumped about. But what can I say? T.J. is my favorite founding father.
After that it was back to the subway headed to Nationals Park for a ballgame. Kyle had chosen Thursday evening's game because Stephen Strasburg was scheduled to pitch, a sight wondrous to behold.
Little did we know, Mom was about to get into a throw-down on the D.C. Metro.
Ethan hadn't been on a car trip of more than two hours in his entire 30 months on the Earth, but he did wonderfully—especially considering the day before he had contracted a summer cold. Upon arrival at the hotel, I built an altar and thanked God for inventing portable DVD players. We were all hungry, so for a taste of local flavor we headed to a great little Italian place, Olive Garden. We needed to carb-load for the next day, the First Day in Our Nation's Capital.
Since my mom and Kyle had never been to D.C., and my dad hadn't been since the Carter administration, informally known as the Years in Which He Had Hair, we opted to get a two-day trolley pass that would take us around the major attractions. Our hotel was only a couple blocks from a MARC-Metro stop, so we took the train into D.C.
My goal on any trip is to not act too much like a tourist. I should have gone over this rule of thumb with Mom beforehand, because she stepped on the train and promptly sat in the conductor's seat behind a little Plexiglas divider. Quite unfortunately, Mom's trouble on the subway had just begun. (<--foreshadowing)
Upon arrival at Union Station...
...we hopped on the charming open-air trolley only to discover that it was approximately 123 degrees Fahrenheit in Our Nation's Capital. No matter! The first stop was Capitol Hill, just a few minutes away.
Someone told us there was a cafeteria inside the Capitol Building, so we hopped off at the West Entrance, where all inaugurations have been held since Reagan, and hiked the roughly four miles to the East Entrance, where visitors are permitted.
Let me rephrase that. We hopped off at the West Entrance and hiked the roughly four miles to the East Entrance, where visitors are diddled.
Noah had cleverly brought along a bag of beef jerky for snacking, which the guards made him throw away.
"Or you can eat it now," they generously allowed.
Seeing as he couldn't quickly eat a pound of salted beef without water in desert conditions, he begrudingly took the bag of jerky to the conveniently located trashcan.
"That stuff is expensive," one of the guards added helpfully.
In addition, Dad had to throw away the bag of M&Ms he had packed in Ethan's Emergency Kit. And their brand-new spray bottle of suntan lotion. Around this time is when I began taking notes in my Moleskine, which I'd brought along for keeping track of new insights. Also, blog material.
The building was certainly spectacular, but the free guided tour only took us to two rooms, where it became evident that the long-haired tour guide (who talked in a deadpan that I couldn't decide betrayed boredom or prolific past drug use) was spit-balling when he debunked the myth about the rotunda's parabolic ceiling four different ways (spoiler alert!).
Lunch at the Capitol cafeteria was worth its weight in gold—and I don't mean that figuratively. A salad, a sandwich and two sodas cost us upwards of 20 bucks. Even though I wasn't hungry anymore, I forced down a slice of boiled egg and a broccoli floret because, being among the heavier items in the pay-by-weight salad, I knew they had cost me big.
We slogged back to the West Entrance (during which I sweated off my entire lunchtime caloric intake) and hopped on the trolley. Still sore from being told to bend over at Capitol Hill, our next stop—the National Air and Space Museum—was a welcome diversion.
I was truly delighted by Ethan's reaction to the museum. He loves airplanes and frequently points them out in the sky above our house, and seeing some up close was a real treat for him. Even more delightful was his joy at seeing all the "rocket ships" in the museum's space exploration wing. I got to show him the inside of John Glenn's historic Mercury capsule, as well as the command module of the moon-landing Apollo 11. He even got to touch a sliver of moon rock. I know he probably won't remember any of this, but it's something I'll never forget.
The moment was so transcendent for me, it wasn't even tainted when Mom mistook the life-size space station replica for the escalator and announced that the lunar module used in the Apollo missions looked "like a piece of crap."
Which, objectively, is sort of true, but it offended my Inner Space Nerd nonetheless. (Check out the "Spider" episode in HBO's From the Earth to the Moon miniseries for an awesome perspective on the development of the LEM.)
I had a Special Moment with Mom, too, though. I got to show her the WWII Royal Air Force uniforms; her father was an air gunner in the RAF and would have worn just such gear. She had her picture taken about 14 different times (to get the best angle) next to the display.
Our last stop of the day was the Jefferson Memorial, which I was unusually pumped about. But what can I say? T.J. is my favorite founding father.
After that it was back to the subway headed to Nationals Park for a ballgame. Kyle had chosen Thursday evening's game because Stephen Strasburg was scheduled to pitch, a sight wondrous to behold.
Little did we know, Mom was about to get into a throw-down on the D.C. Metro.
Labels:
D.C.,
Ethan,
family,
Noah,
the Southern experience
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