I'm not gonna lie, lately I've been drained. I'm an internalizer when it comes to stress. Instead of getting frazzled and snappy, I get tired (and then I get frazzled and snappy, but it's because I'm tired). As Noah's departure for Navy boot camp creeps closer, the anticipation of it is getting to me. I've begun frequently throwing myself prostrate at/on him, clinging pathetically and pressing my face against his so he can't take a breath without inhaling my suffering.
And I've bitten the bullet and made a decision. I'm not putting Ethan in preschool yet. I had the application, I'd talked to the director, and we even thought we'd go to the open house today at the preschool that is literally around the corner (walkable, and we live in a part of town with no sidewalks, that's how close it is). But it's just too much. I say it's too much for him—too many changes, what with Noah leaving—but I think it might just be too much for me. Can't quite parse that one out. He has two and a half years until kindergarten, so we have plenty of time to enroll him for readiness purposes next fall.
It's hard for me to blog when I don't feel jovial, because humor is not only my bag, it's my defense mechanism of choice, and when I'm not able to muster, it leads me to doubt my Fierce Beagleiness, which is why all twelve of you guys come here and read what I write. Right? Ugh. I just don't have any jokes right now.
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13 comments:
sometimes, you just have to throw your hands up and say, enough. nothing wrong with that...
O I feel your pain. It is so hard when the husbands are away. My little two cents (as a single mom of six weeks last summer and 5 weeks this year) is to put Ethan in school. You will be so tired being with him all day, every day and emotionally might need a few hours a week to recharge, pamper yourself a little, cry in the shower and maybe even write a few jokes. Good Luck, the good news is, once the time starts, you can start counting down the days until he is home!
That's not why we all come here. And there is more than 12 of us I assure you! I tried to put Evan into preschool before he was ready. Each day driving there he would repeat "but I am going to miss you" over and over in the most pitiful voice. After about 3 days of this I pulled him out and I don't know who was happier, him or me. We tried again the next year and everything was fine. He didn't miss a thing. I think you are doing the right thing!
Trust your instincts!
And I read because you inspire me and offer me community. You do make me laugh, but you also remind me to see the world through a lens of wonderment. Sometimes being that open to imagination and the flow of everything around you means being too aware of sadness as well as joy.
We're here for you.
Sending you loads of great big bear hugs, lady.
Hmm. To be honest, I'd think it strange if you were completely okay right now.
As proud as you are of your husband, as much as everyday folks like me appreciate what you both are sacrificing for him to take this step - it's okay to admit and feel sometimes, quite honestly, that this IS a sacrifice.
Your family, at least for a short period of time in the scheme of things, is going to change - and while it's going to be good in the long run, I believe, that's scary.
It's scary and sad and hard - and admitting that out loud is somewhat comforting. Because you don't always have to be strong when things are going to be hard, just because your husband is doing something positive.
There's this strange belief that people should somehow suck it up and smile cheerfully when they're doing the right thing - but I've always found the right thing to be MUCH harder than the wrong thing.
So I'm saying it's okay to curl up under a blanket and mope sometimes. Or to cry. Or to cling to your husband like a spider monkey.
But. Here's the deal. You have to take an equal amount of time, at the very least, to love on them all. To laugh with them and maybe even force them to do something silly as a family with you.
A friend recently had a nerf gun fight with her husband - That might work.
And, as far as daycare goes? A little more mama/son time never hurt anyone, right?
Right.
You are in my prayers FB. Our last little one is now doing preschool 1/2 days 5 days per week. It was a tough adjustment for us, but I think he enjoys the schedule and time away from us.
I just want to say..."I get it."
Completely, totally, 100%.
Get a nap if you can. It'll at least help with perspective.
You are fierce and brave. You don't have to be funny 100% of the time. I read your blog because it's about real life.
magnolia—that's not a bad idea. I'm actually going to literally do that from time to time.
Kate—I value your advice. Maybe I need to rethink that.
Lisa—It's always helpful to hear from moms who have been there, done that. Thanks for your support :)
Mouse—Thanks for the reminder that expectations are often self-imposed.
Sal—Yours are the most stylish internet hugs I've ever gotten.
Lish—What insight! You are so correct: the right thing *is* typically more difficult than the wrong thing.
Slam—That's something I struggle with: I know that Ethan is way more social than I am. So what I think might be an unwelcome change might actually be something he'd really enjoy. Hmm.
TNR—I know I can count on your for nap support. You're just about the only person in my life who stands behind my right to nap, and for that I salute you.
roysie—Such kind words. Thank you for reading, whatever your reasons.
I second Lish - and I might add that even though I don't KNOW you, I feel like I sort of know you & don't mind hearing about the good bad & ugly as well as fierce beagles.
Don't worry about your jokes, but if you end up hiding in a closet singing "cellophane" from Chicago, then I'll worry. :)
More prayers from the other side of the globe; what a tough situation- I admire your strength. Life isn't 100% funny so don't put undue pressure on yourself to be so! (I also wanted to ensure you at leas got your twelve fans, and a male no-less!)
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