Wednesday, August 10

Vacation Ethan's To-Do List

- Harass costumed characters 

Here's Mary Poppins reconsidering that spoonful of sugar advice 

Here's Winnie the Pooh, about to eat it

Aaaand mentally composing his resume

Unpictured: Donald Duck getting a forcible tonsil check

- Spray-bottle/fan sneak attack on unsuspecting Chinese tourists. Bonus points for doing it indoors.

- Dump every complimentary bottle of spa-quality shampoo, conditioner and lotion into the stoppered sink; claim you're "making soup."

- Test Mommy's sadly unpracticed wiener-handling skills by really committing to Daddy's why-not-go-pee-in-an-empty-soda-bottle-so-we-don't-have-to-stop-42-times idea.

- Comment loudly on strangers' bowel movements in public restrooms ("What's that smell? What's that horrible stinky smell? What's that horrible stinky smell? What's that horrible stinky smell?" and "Somebody fah-ted!")

- Public urination (x2)

- Experience Kubler-Ross's Stages of Grief every night from 7pm until 11pm

- Never ever under any circumstances willingly participate in an adorable photo op

Par exemple

- Maintain a blase manner as often as possible

Like so

- Treat souvenirs irreverently

Here's just one idea

It's not all bad, though. Times like these are intercut with Kodak moments (unsponsored) and sickeningly sweet displays of affection. And when I say "intercut" don't think I mean dissolving gradually from one scene to the next with gradual buildups and gentle fadeouts. I'm talking frenetic, MTV-style, vintage shaky-camera NYPD Blue splicing. The bipolar swings are exhausting. Unfortunately, even some of the better moments have been doused in a spray of misdirected urine.

Such is life with Vacation Ethan.


Sarah Von Bargen said...

Oh, Ethan. I think I had the same reaction to Disneyworld - except I was 14.

Kate @ Daffodils said...

That last picture just made my day!

Anonymous said...

from what i've heard from people with sons, the whole misdirected urine thing is just a fact of life. this scares me for the future should i ever end up with a boy-child. i don't do well with the bodily fluids of others...

Slamdunk said...

Thank Ethan for all the laughs for us then.

We have been able to carry a travel portable potty so no one has to listen to my pee in a soda bottle ideas.

Danielle said...

Just a whole lot of LOLing going on over here. Although I don't know why because I get this feeling that I am looking at my not too distant future.

Steven Tyler's PJs said...

Oh holy LORD I am truly cracking up over here.

Erin said...

Sarah Von—It's one of life's great head scratchers that, while there, kids seem to hate DisneyWorld. When they get home, though, they have all these awesome memories. And the parents are all, um, where was I?

Kate—You simply have to be able to quiet moments when the kid isn't there to witness it.

magnolia—This was never an issue with diapering. Now that his equipment requires precision handling, I'm fairly useless, and not all that excited about becoming adept.

slam—I will definitely look into this option for our next road trip. Or I'll do the driving so Daddy can execute his own Great Ideas.

Danielle—Ah, yes. Before long, I'll be happily laughing at you.

Jennie—Vacation for us is like a Ben Stiller movie: Funny to watch, highly annoying to live out.

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