- Harass costumed characters
Here's Mary Poppins reconsidering that spoonful of sugar advice
Here's Winnie the Pooh, about to eat it
Aaaand mentally composing his resume
Unpictured: Donald Duck getting a forcible tonsil check
- Spray-bottle/fan sneak attack on unsuspecting Chinese tourists. Bonus points for doing it indoors.
- Dump every complimentary bottle of spa-quality shampoo, conditioner and lotion into the stoppered sink; claim you're "making soup."
- Test Mommy's sadly unpracticed wiener-handling skills by really committing to Daddy's why-not-go-pee-in-an-empty-soda-bottle-so-we-don't-have-to-stop-42-times idea.
- Comment loudly on strangers' bowel movements in public restrooms ("What's that smell? What's that horrible stinky smell? What's that horrible stinky smell? What's that horrible stinky smell?" and "Somebody fah-ted!")
- Public urination (x2)
- Experience Kubler-Ross's Stages of Grief every night from 7pm until 11pm
- Never ever under any circumstances willingly participate in an adorable photo op
- Maintain a blase manner as often as possible
- Treat souvenirs irreverently
Here's just one idea
It's not all bad, though. Times like these are intercut with Kodak moments (unsponsored) and sickeningly sweet displays of affection. And when I say "intercut" don't think I mean dissolving gradually from one scene to the next with gradual buildups and gentle fadeouts. I'm talking frenetic, MTV-style, vintage shaky-camera NYPD Blue splicing. The bipolar swings are exhausting. Unfortunately, even some of the better moments have been doused in a spray of misdirected urine.
Such is life with Vacation Ethan.