Now I know why Scrooge was such an angry, bitter little man

HE MUST HAVE USED FED EX.

Say you had a bank overnight you a Very Important Document from the next state over, and that very night three inches of snow fell. Okay, I understand that document possibly not arriving on Saturday. But surely it would arrive on Monday!

WRONG.

Well, you see via the tracking number that the document has been picked up and placed on a delivery truck in your very city before 9 a.m. on Tuesday. Surely you'd have it by lunchtime!

WRONG.

Surely somebody would help you find out where the truck is to give you a better estimate of when this time-sensitive document would arrive other than, "Oh it'll be there before 5—guaranteed!"

But wait, Mrs. Third Fed Ex Customer Service Representative We've Talked to In 30 Minutes, it arriving by 5 doesn't do us any good when every other government agency—the ones that require this document in order for us to complete our time-sensitive transaction—closes by 5. "Oh, but it'll be there by 5—guaranteed!"

No, you're not listening Mrs. Third Fed Ex Customer Service Representative We've Talked to In 30 Minutes. My husband has taken two days off work in an attempt to complete this time-sensitive transaction, and the only thing he's been able to accomplish is sitting around waiting for you to deliver that OVERNIGHTED document whenever the heck you feel like it FOUR DAYS LATER. You know the document we're talking about, the one that was being held at a bank not three hours from here? The one that it's taking you FOUR DAYS to transport?

Fed Ex, if you were my employee, I wouldn't let you throw a brick of coal on the fire even though your fingertips were blue with frostbite. No matter how many ghosts visited me and told me tales of woe and doom, their Christmasey warmth couldn't penetrate the coldness of my feelings toward you. I would never send you a Christmas turkey.

On second thought, I would send you a Christmas turkey. I'D SEND IT VIA FED EX.