Monday, December 7

No, Aunt Bethany, those are Christmas lights

The overpowering scent of hot cinnamon hit a good 10 feet before I walked through the entrance, which was impressive because one would expect the cold air to limit the range of wafting. What with the mounds of faux greenery and the jingle bells, on top of the Christmasey! Cinnamon! Fragrance! (which is what I imagine reindeer farts smell like), I felt like I'd walked into Santa's barn. But this wasn't the off-season home of Dasher and Dancer, no. This! This was...Michaels. Where Creativity Happens™ and custom framing is always 50% off.

(Question: If something is perpetually on sale, doesn't that make the sale price, like, the price?)

I had a mission, which one always should when entering a store where 95% of the merchandise is smaller than a breadbox, but I was waylaid by all the sparkle.

I wondered if my Christmas Spirit was strong enough to purchase the woodcut "Believe" (in red, embellished with glitter). Although I felt compelled to purchase a felted snowman-head ornament, somehow I made it past the display without putting one in my basket. It's a miracle I resisted the bedazzled tower candles and mini Christmas trees made out of fuchsia feathers. Finally I had made it to the garland section, where I was tasked with finding a suitable coronal for the mantel, as well as a roughly 640-foot length of faux evergreen for festooning our front porch.

We have actually never decorated the exterior of our home; although this is our third Christmas in it, it's the first holiday season when decorating outside has made sense. Three years ago, I was seven months pregnant and unable to 1) help Noah hang lights, or 2) strongarm him into doing it alone. Last year I wasn't quite as enthusiastic as years past, plus Ethan was a little suspicious of the whole charade...



...so I figured, why bother?

Having retrieved the aforementioned garlands (after a couple consultations via cell phone), as well as the corresponding amount of white non-twinkling lights, I braved the throngs yet again in an attempt to reach the registers. You guys, Michaels (Where Creativity Happens™) attracts a motley crew. I haven't seen so many appliqued holiday sweaters since 1994. I was in line behind a woman who spent over $200 on various and sundry crap. Do you know how much $200 can buy you in a store where 95% of the merchandise is smaller than a breadbox? More importantly, do you know how long it takes to check out someone who is purchasing more than $200 worth of items smaller than a breadbox? A LONG TIME.

It was all worth it, however, when a couple of days after The Festooning, I noticed that three other homes on our street had copied our Festoonination and wrapped their porch columns with garlands. I've always wanted to be a trendsetter.

12 comments:

Christopher said...

Humorous post. Yet completely true, I know, because Sara recently dragged me to Michael's, and I too noted the strong cinnamon (reindeer fart?) smell upon entering.

And I've had the same "how is it a sale if it's always on sale" thought... especially Empire Carpet here in Chicago (ask your parents about it... 588-2300...)

Jen said...

Michaels is crack for crafters :) it's so easy to get side-tracked in there! If only I had more time!

Yay for the festoonination! Houses always look happier wearing their Christmas cheer :)

And one must wonder: are all those sweaters 10 years old or can you still buy them somewhere? (Shudder to think!)

Single Parent Dad said...

Yo go girl.

I have dressed our gaff in led thingys, for the first time this festive period. So your trendsetting obviously knows no bounds.

Damsel Underdressed said...

Funny. I wonder if I can manage to avoid Michael's this holiday season like I have managed to avoid setting foot inside a Chuck E. Cheese's for the eight years my son has been alive.

Probably not.

roysie said...

Hahaha! I went to Michael's this weekend, too! And I bought six bags of cinnamon scented pine cones which may have been the culprit for the overpowering scent you encountered. Now my whole house smells like that :).

May @ Anne and May said...

I am so cuckoo for Christmas that I actually terrify people in San Francisco.

Welcome to the North Pole, my friend. Here's a nice drink of cinnamon-spiked Koolaid. I think you'll like it juussst fine.

Slamdunk said...

Congrats on the house decorating. We were just glad to get the lights and decorations hung before the snow started falling.

Centsational Girl said...

One of my favorite places to visit in the morning with my eggnog flavored coffee and cinnamon sprinkled toast. You crack me up. And I'm totally adding Festoonination to Wikipedia.

Hugs
Kate

Anonymous said...

And where are the pics? Are we to believe you without photographic evidence?

Kate @ And Then I Was a Mom said...

Michael's is indeed a cah-razy place. While the very thought of scrapbooking or perhaps silk-flower arranging makes me break out in hives, I do enjoy me some Michael's. The aisles of shiny beads! The elaborate cake-decorating guides! If I could draw a straight line or properly use a glue gun, I would be so tempted.

Anyway, I applaud your in-store focus, and your mimicable decorating skills!

mrs.notouching said...

Yeah, what's up with the year round sale at Micheal's? This is our first Christmas with our bebe and I haz no spirit, but I am trying and hoping that next year when we are all a little older and smarter we will have more motivation to do something more than just buying a 32'' fake pre-decorated tree.

LOUD n PROUD said...

I was just there and it was a madhouse! and as usual I forgot my 40% off coupon at home!!

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