Monday, November 30

Spreading holiday cheer one insult at a time

The decision, my brother informed us, came down to this: “On the one hand, a Really Good Cheap Christmas, on the other hand, a Full-blown Bull Crap Christmas.”

I voted Really Good Cheap Christmas and, after convincing my mom that she was deluding herself about cutting back this year (Point 1: She can’t restrain herself from buying “just one more wee thing,” Point 2: Point 1, just said a different way), we resolved to get up at the butt-crack of dawn and for the first time ever participate in Black Friday. For you limey readers, Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving when big box retailers offer huge discounts on many big-ticket items. And if there’s anything in this country that is a siren song for lunatics, it’s cheap merchandise.

The night before, when Kyle prophesied that not going out early would result in the aforementioned Full-blown Bull Crap Christmas, he was more than a little gung-ho about the whole thing. I later learned that what he had in mind was the slapstick fun of Jingle All the Way, with Kyle in the role of the clever yet bumbling Austrian strongman.

But instead of sucker punching overweight mailmen and knocking down fearsome soccer moms, Kyle found himself carrying several boxes of shoes and repeatedly helping me pull off boots in Shoe Carnival. The closest he got to a sucker punch was at breakfast, when he explained that if he were my dad he’d strangle my mom in her sleep what with all the coughing and throat clearing, a conversation that ended in a flurry of Shut Ups and No YOU Shut Ups.

For quite some time Kyle has been pestering me to write a post about him, I think in hopes that he’ll be discovered and given the VH1 comedy special and starring role in the next Judd Apatow flick that he so deserves. I’m not sure that this post is what he had in mind, but if I were to write anything but the truth I’d be the one given the comedy special.

Not long ago I thought we were gaining some ground when he DMed me the message, "This is a serious question. Have you ever thought about writing a movie/script? I honestly think you could write something amazing.” After a few minutes of probing, I discovered that his hopes for my success weren’t entirely selfless, since he expects to be cast as the lead in my forthcoming film.

I’m waffling on the title. It’s a toss up between “The Legend of Sasquatch II” and “Guess Who’s Sleeping On Your Couch This Holiday Season.”

In other news, the pies were good. $25 a piece good? Meh. But good.


Jen said...

Your brother sounds like a peach :) And I agree on the writing talent, it's DEFINITELY there! Hope you found some good boots on sale :)

Anonymous said...

He'd be reprising his role from the original "Legend of Sasquatch," right?

seanymph said...

I vote for the Guess Whos Sleeping on Your Couch title. It makes me laugh so Id figure the rest would be funny too :)

Slamdunk said...

How about You, Me and Dupree II?

Anonymous said...

It sounds like your mom and my mother-in-law could be the same woman.

For a plot, I could see a comedy as seen through the eyes of Cody, maybe with Ray Romano doing the voice? Matthew McConaughey as Noah, Ashton Kutcher as your little bro... you can take it from there...

Anonymous said...

Christopher - So your mother-in-law is a nice person too and very much loved by her son-in-law, just like me.

Erin's mum

Melanie said...

Glad the pies were worth it!

Anonymous said...

Yes Erin's mum, my mother-in-law is adored by her son-in-law. :) Especially since I am also a recipent of "just one more wee thing".

May @ Anne and May said...

ONCE I was tricked into getting up at 4am on Black Friday. And I shall never do it again. It made me morph, Incredible Hulk-like, into an insane person!

Also, I think we are long-lost sisters too!

Erin said...

Jen—Kyle is a veritable fruit basket, particularly when he's low on sleep.

Sal—Actually, that movie exists. I haven't seen it. But being in the same family as my brother, I can imagine the plot points easily.

Seanymph—Titles are of utmost importance. For instance, how popular would Twilight be if it was called "My Angsty Life in Forks, Washington"?

Slamdunk—Also a viable option. Actually, you have no idea how apt that is.

Christopher—Sounds like a Blockbuster. The really important issue would be who plays me in the film. I see you've conveniently left out that casting call.

Melanie—Me too, believe me.

May—There have been a few occasions in my life in which I've foolishly believed I would be fine getting up that early. I don't know what it's going to take for me to quit being such a cotton-headed ninnymuggins.

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