Edited to Add Editor's Note: Officer Mike Honcho is Noah's chosen pseudonym. Decide for yourself which parts of this story are accurate. Because unfortunately it is not all fictional.
Severed head found in park luckily belonged to pig, not human
Evil magical creatures suspected
Yesterday citizens of the tony West End neighborhood were shaken by the discovery of a severed pig's head in nearby Hanes Park.
"It was terrifying, like Lord of the Flies," said Darlene Jansen, the high-school freshman who alerted police to the situation. "Plus, it was just gross."
Officer Mike Honcho was the first to arrive at the grisly scene.
"Yeah, it was a pig's head all right," confirmed Officer Honcho, who was tasked with removing the head from the park's barbecue pit and tossing it into the nearby woods.
When asked if he thought the ill-fated swine was the victim of some luau gone awry, or perhaps more sinister cult activity, Officer Honcho expressed suspicion of something "even more sinisterer than that."
"I believe, as I have indicated in my report, that this is the work of a band of Orcs who have been moving through the area," revealed Officer Honcho in this exclusive interview. "I just hope and pray that these are run-of-the-mill Orcs--like goblins, for instance--and not Uruk-hai. I can't say that we're equipped to deal with this, but I have notified my superiors and requested that our Special Enforcement Team team start running scenarios immediately."
Officer Honcho urged neighborhood watch groups to be on high alert, keeping special lookout for anyone displaying Orc-like qualities or engaging in Orc-like behaviors. When asked to provide examples, Officer Honcho stated: "Well, carrying around a headless pig carcass would be the biggest thing."
In addition to reporting anyone seen with headless pig carcasses, Officer Honcho listed other Orc traits including snarling, driving while talking on a cell phone, and a generally sour attitude. He added, "Anyone seen mistreating Hobbits is most likely an Orc."
Worried citizens should avoid persons suspected to be Orcs until this issue is resolved.
In his closing remarks, Officer Honcho assured onlookers that "this case will remain open until we locate the Orcs' stronghold and drive them out of the Shire. I mean, the city."