Monday, January 26

The Insidious Virus

There are a few things in this life that I loathe: the word ombudsman; the term "dry sockets"; and herpes. And no, I'm not referring to some gross STD. THERE'S ANOTHER KIND OUT THERE, OKAY, AND IT IS ATTACKING INNOCENTS WITH SURREPTITIOUS VIGOR.

I am here to defend the honor of we poor souls who have to go to the pharmacy for our Acyclovir prescriptions and stand among the sexually promiscuous and poor judges of character, branded with the despicable guilt for crimes we have not committed. Cold sores are agents of evil, casting a pall over we who suffer their stinging barbs of shame.

Cold sore sufferers, unite! No longer will we cower in self-disgust, blistered and alone. Let Zovirax rain down from the Walgreenses and CVSes and Rite Aids of the world until this terrible foe is eradicated! This is a Holy War. With God on our side, who can be against us? In the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Amen.

4 comments:

Tony said...

Yes!!! I contracted the dreaded scourge while wrestling in high school and consequently have an embarrassing outbreak on my forehead about once a year. "What's the matter with your head?" I have a skin condition; what's your excuse???? You're right, this is a Holy War. Deus Vult!!!

Maggie May said...

dry sockets is one of the worst phrases invented by man!!! ahh!!

Erin said...

Noah kindly reminded me that in my zeal I may have offended some poor reader suffering from the...other...kind of herpes. That was not my intention. I realize that not only the promiscuous contract unfortunate diseases, which is why I threw in the "poor judges of character" reference. I just do not buy those commercials in which couples suffering from herpes frolic happily through fields together. Herpes SUCKS.

G+D said...

Another cold sore victim here--UGGHHH!!!! How is there no cure for this yet?? I feel your pain, girl. And I too, blogged about it: http://tinyurl.com/csmtct If you're looking for someone to join you in wallowing in your misery, count me in. I'll bring the wine.

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