Wednesday, January 28

Explains a lot

I have four small scars on my abdomen from a laparoscopic surgery performed almost a year ago. But there's also another pinkish mark on the left side of my tummy tum tum that mysteriously appeared around the same time.

When I mentioned it to my doctor several months ago, he took a look and said it was probably a bug bite, because there was a puncture in the center (I know, I know, this is getting grosser by the second). But unless I was bitten by, say, a radioactive spider--and I'm not shooting webs from my wrists or dressing in spandex...very often--this is most definitely not a bug bite.

I have a few theories.

Least probable: I was abducted by aliens and they ran tests on me by inserting a super-advanced system of nanobots via my abdominal cavity. This theory would also explain the voices I keep hearing (the voices being the nanobots talking amongst themselves).

Possible: Noah is really a mad scientist working for the government and he is surreptitiously injecting me every night with some sort of serum containing experimental hormones that can only be held at bay by eating unconscionable amounts of Dove chocolate.

Likely: The surgical staff had to perform some kind of procedure while I was under and forgot to tell me about it. Like the time they forgot to tell me that even though laparoscopic surgery is "minimally invasive," for a solid week after it I'd feel like I'd gone twelve rounds in a prize fight.

I'd better keep eating the chocolate, just in case.


Maggie May said...

i have had three laporoscopic surgeries for endometriosis. yes, it sucks. no, i have no alien marks.

Maggie May said...


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