Friday, September 26

Ode to the beanpole I used to be

So when I was changing this evening, I saw myself in the mirror.

OK, stop. I can't do this. I wasn't changing at all. I was walking around the house in my underwear and a t-shirt. Because when I get home, the first things that come off are my shoes, with my pants at a close second.

Return to the story... I saw myself in the mirror, and I was mortified. I'm going to have to try really hard not to become too famous, because if the paparazzi got photos of me on the beach in a too-skimpy bikini, they'd be plastered all over one of those horrifyingly up-close guess-whose-nasty-old-cottage-cheese-bottom-and-thighs-this-is feature spreads in People magazine.

All for now. I have to go research the secret of how Gwyneth, J.Lo., Jessica, Halle, Christina and Nicole got their prepregnancy bodies back so quickly. I'm sure it has nothing to do with being devastatingly rich and amassing a huge aggregation of nutritionists, personal trainers, yoga instructors, personal chefs, stylists, makeup artists and nannies. I'm sure that's not the secret at all.

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