If anyone needs a reporter, you know who to call

As a police officer in a smallish town, Noah definitely has much more likelihood of being in the media than others would in a bigger city. Already, he's been thanked by grateful citizens in the Straight Answers section of the local paper — twice — something that few officers even in this size town could boast. He doesn't boast, either.

But I do. Have you heard about Noah? He's AWESOME.

Now, I must say that it's hard to top the leprechaun in da hood sighting. But one of Noah's cases came close this weekend. We excitedly watched the evening news, waiting for the inevitable coverage. But then Barack Obama had to go and announce his running mate, so what was once an irresistible local news story was instead cast aside like a pile of rotting vegetables.

So, in the spirit of true journalism and giving credit where credit is due, I have constructed the story that SHOULD have run but, alas, never did. Per usual, names have been changed to protect ... nobody, really. But Noah requested his pseudonym, and by golly he shall have it.


HAVOC WREAKED AT INTERSECTION OF TWO N.C. HWYS
Local PD officer handles situation with aplomb, professionalism

WINSTON-SALEM
Lanes of traffic slowed to a near halt this afternoon on Highway 52 when a tractor-trailer overturned at the Highway 421 junction.

Concerned motorists flooded the emergency operator lines, reporting a possibly harmful and dangerous chemical spill in the high-speed single-vehicle accident. Eye-witnesses claimed that nobody approached the wreckage for fear it would burst into flames, consuming both the not-seriously-injured driver and any unfortunate good Samaritan that dared help.

First responder Officer Mike Honcho reports that bystanders were in absolutely zero danger, and that they had no justification whatsoever for such fears, since the cargo of the tractor-trailer was not enormous drums of toxic waste, but was in fact a load of more than 10,000 cucumbers.

"I thought I'd have to call in the fire department to handle the spill," says Officer Honcho, "but when I got there and saw the cucumbers, I decided not to make the call." He explained, "You don't have to have a hazmat suit for that."

When questioned by reporters as to the damage incurred by the massive debris, Officer Honcho confirmed, "Yeah, it was a huge mess."

He added, "But it smelled great."